September 2023, 🍂 秋意浓
Season
时间过得好快，转眼来到了第三个季节。秋天常常代表丰收，真正的丰收往往是先前耕耘已久加之天时地利的偶然结果。而丰收的欣喜接踵而至伴随的就是失去。失去天地间最珍贵的一切，失去刚刚得到的所有。
姥姥
八月去西雅图出差了。而当时妈妈告诉我姥姥不好，我的心更是纠结的不行。出差回来的当天便赶回去国内，飞机上看了《银河铁道之父》，以至于看的从头哭到尾。我心中一直在想，不管是家人、爱人、朋友，或者任何人，如果这份缘分最终带给你的只有无尽的伤痛，是否还值得呢？可是看到那位父亲在电影的最后，深深感谢自己的孩子，我似乎领悟了。人生能痛也是值得的，至少爱过，在乎过，奋不顾身过。
九月份回国了，我的姥姥躺在病床上。当时是在一个很偏远的地方住院。她已经是一点东西都吃不下了。有一位陪床的护工王阿姨，人挺能念叨，但感觉是个好人。姥姥的血管很微弱，营养针又不得不打，以至于胳膊上青一块紫一块。尿袋里全是血。但姥姥的精神头还很好，跟我讲她在青岛上大学的时候，跟同学们看到了一只比柜子还大的大海龟。说起来滔滔不绝，有时候还唱几句。姥爷跟我说，“到了要结束的时候了”，听的我泪流满面。我一直说，你错了，不是，她能好病。我觉得我知道，我有这样的感觉。
最后一天从医院回家的滴滴上我哭了一路。想这个城市的风景毫无变化，最爱的人怎么能衰老的如此之快。我讨厌面对别离，尤其是这样的时候。每一次见面，都要紧紧抓住所爱之人的手，不留遗憾。
因为姥姥的情况，我决定今年十二月再次回去一次。在这一辈子中，每一件事情她都为了我倾其所有，奋不顾身。但是回想起来，我出国经年，带给她的只有别离。妈妈这次也做了大手术。
除了珍惜眼前人，告诉他们自己的爱之外，如何能够抵御衰老死亡呢？我第一个念头就是生孩子。前所未有希望拥有一个孩子。也希望不管是我、还是我的孩子，带给姥姥、妈妈的都是安慰、幸福，而不是担忧，争吵。
Love
I have been having frequent conflicts with D. For the first time in the last three years, he brought up the idea of a break-up. I've come to realize that I have been unkind to him, and we've both shed many tears. During my flight to SF, it struck me that if this is indeed the end, then I owe him a deep apology. Conversely, if it had ended last year around the same time, he would have owed me an apology. I've had several painful realizations:
i) I would rather have others disappoint me and later regret it than be the cause of others' disappointment and regret. Avoid actions that you'll regret.
ii) Even with those who are closest and dearest to me, I need to maintain some distance and continue to respect them.
iii) Ultimately, what matters most is becoming a better person for anyone you interact with.
The future of my relationship with D remains uncertain. I neither feel optimistic nor pessimistic about it. I've always believed that one of us has to be truly confident in the other for this relationship to endure and thrive. He has been that person in the past, but I'm uncertain whether either of us will continue to be that person in the future, and this relationship may sooner or later come to an end. Nevertheless, I remain hopeful because I value our relationship. I will do my best to nurture it for the benefit of both parties. If this doesn't work out, I have a strong sense that starting a family in the coming years may be challenging. I simply request not to carry any regrets with me on this journey, wherever my next destination may be.
Health
My health has improved since returning from China, possibly due to the Chinese herbs I've been taking. I've finally shed some weight, but my sleep quality remains poor. I hope to continue working out and dancing (yes, I've taken up ballet again after a hiatus following a knee injury in the summer). Many little things have recently brought me joy, as a result of health improvement.
Growth
I'm still on track to complete the journeys I embarked on years ago. I must continue to push forward, work hard and avoid any regrets, which demands high standards of myself.
Feelings
After all of this, taking care of oneself has never seemed so crucial. To stay in good health and spare our loved ones from concern, allowing us to be our best selves for them and to look after their well-being.
I've come to realize that I need a strong sense of self, and strong relationships to navigate the increasing burdens and responsibilities that life brings.
Now, I intend to enjoy the last one to two years of my 20s while embracing true adulthood.
As life instructs us to embrace rather than oppose, conformity may be the path to follow, and consistently and unwaveringly praying can be the method to steer through.
