December 2023, ❄️ 人生极寒
我为什么要开始记录呢？因为我发现，过往的一切消失的太快，而人的记忆是如此脆弱，以至于即使最重要的场景和对话，也最终慢慢模糊不清了。可是这一切的记录、视频音频或文字，就像这些事件和人物本身一样，是否真的有意义呢？
你可以相信许多事 - 关于生老病死，神佛，来处和去处。此刻对我来说，很难相信任何东西。人生就像这个季节一样，是冰冷透顶的。人生极寒，life is an extremely cold place. 如果有了什么危险的情况不会应付，只要记得紧紧抓住方向盘。紧紧抓住方向盘，直到大厦崩塌，灰飞烟灭。就像此刻的我，说服自己努力工作、照顾好自己、做好卫生交友，即使我心里知道暴风雪席卷，漫山荒芜，仅余白茫茫的悲戚。“把握时间，掌握方向”，直直看着前路吧。然后忘了，忘却了一切，也忘记了自己。
是的。我在这个世界上最喜欢、最爱的人，决定不再经年等待了。她决定去一个更美丽的地方。在那里，不管她是否记得关于这个世界的一切，她美好、幸福，正如她曾在这个世界上一样。每当我在镜子里看着自己，我知道我是复杂不完美的。可是我那最为美丽、善良、勇敢的一面，正是她活在我身体里通过我呼吸着的部分。
我忘了，你一点也不是一个普通的老人啊。站在远一点的地方看你，才发现你是一个传奇的人，伟大的人。可是没有人告诉我 - 更是我经年对你人生的不关心。正是跟你道别的这段时间，我才更加深切的回顾和再次听说关于你的一切，尤其是在我认识你之前的那些故事。我也才意识到，我此生最为骄傲的，就是以我的平庸，能成为你的外孙女，你才是我在这世间最大的福气。这些故事多么希望听你对我讲一遍 - 你为什么都不曾对我讲过？
我的姥姥是个很善良的人。革命的变动让她失去了全部家产。被亲戚恩将仇报，在母亲冤狱期间非法侵吞了家里的一切，从巨富变成了一穷二白，也以不平和的方式失去了自己的父母。在一生期间更是尝遍了人间疾苦、人性可怖。但是她仍然如此善良，并不仇恨这个社会。
她为每一位她心生敬佩的人写文章。她真诚希望这些人能被别人记住，世人也能了解到她所了解到的，关于这些人的美好和伟大。比如说，在她的表姐、和坐过多年冤狱的朋友去世后，她为他们写纪念文章。可是世人只是匆匆在过自己的生活，又能有几个在意。
她在最困难的时候，在中国四处死人，大家纷纷路过却熟视无睹的时候，救了一个孩子的命。那个孩子叫“小巧子”。之后的一生中经常从农村背着东西来济南看她。她当初决心要救，便一路带着那个孩子从农村到了大城市的医院。这只是其中一件事，她的一生都是如此不计回报地帮助别人。
在她的挚友去世以后（也是文化斗争的结果），她善待照顾她挚友的儿子，要求其认自己是妈妈。那位舅舅在姥姥的告别仪式上进去之后便唐突跪下叩首（家人都还没有任何动作），更是在告别之后发文纪念。如此便能看出姥姥对他人生的影响。
作为一位教师，她在学生心中民望高企。给无数人的人生留下了深远的影响。
曾经在文化大革命期间，其他教师都纷纷被批斗。最容易被批斗的两种，便是“学术权威”和“不好的出身”。我的姥姥不巧两样都占了。刚有学生要为她戴高帽的时候，其他红卫兵学生便出面“绊倒”压制了这位学生。这种红卫兵为老师出头的事情在那个时代是极少数、闻所未闻的。
我的姥姥更有一些十分优秀的学生。甚至有在航天部工作的领导。在我出国后他们到北京的期间，这位领导跨过了整座北京城只为了见我姥姥一面。更有其他如张忠孝等对她感恩的学生一生不离，常年相伴在她的左右。
我的姥姥是个很有才华的人。
她是私塾读书、后又在教会学校的，写一笔漂亮的繁体字。
是中国人吃不起饭的年代的大学生，山东大学俄语系的学生。她的老师是一位俄罗斯人，娶了中国老婆，一生都生活在中国。她的老师出了一本书，希望后续我能找到。因为家庭原因，她只能从事高中教职。她退休后也在俄罗斯当翻译。关于她在俄罗斯期间的事情，她给我讲过许多故事，但我很多都不记得了 - 如果当初知道记录就好了。
我的姥姥算半个红学家，对红楼梦里的事情了如指掌。
我的姥姥文笔极好，写过的许多文章得以发表。如今我还能看到微博上有年轻人转载我姥姥的文章。
我的姥姥是个很漂亮、很美的人。即使她成了个老太太。
在她中学期间，就是话剧社的成员 - 她临终前的几年经常给我唱“夜半歌声”这首歌，是她曾经出演过的话剧。我相信她一定拥有过非常精彩的青春吧。
在孙思白先生为邓小平新思想做宣传来到山东的时候，特意来见我姥姥（他们之前是怎么认识的我记不起来了）。孙思白先生一生多次追求我姥姥，也说过，见到我的姥姥他整个人就非常紧张。能被如此博学见广的人视作女神，我姥姥的魅力可以见得。
但这些都不是我记忆里的你。在我的记忆里，你是那个陪我看无聊电视剧，对我无限溺爱骄纵的普通老人。在我生病的时候，你会做一些傻傻的事情逗我，也会为了我不顾一切，不计较的付出你所拥有的全部，没有底线的包容我所有的任性和不好。这些故事让我愧疚和对自己失望，就留到下次再写吧。
姥姥，我思念你、爱你。就跟以前一样，我会用我的一生努力做个好人，积攒所有的善意来祝福你。我也会偷偷盼望着与你的再次相遇。但是即使没有那一天，只要知道你一切都好就足矣。
等我过完这一辈子，也变成了一个老太太，你会来接我吗？就像小时候你坐着公交车、提着传销袋子、爬爬歇歇到三楼，千里奔赴只为见我一面。想到这里，我就不怕死了，甚至有些盼望那一天的到来。不管是在轮回里相遇，给我机会报答你的恩情；还是在生命的尽头重聚；又或者是烟消云散在天边的同一处，那里都不再有跨越重洋的物理距离、也没有生死相隔的时间距离，只有我们紧紧依偎在一起。
不管你在想些什么，是否到达了我所不能想象的智慧，还只是安息在某处等待着。我只想跟你说，好好休息吧姥姥。人间疾苦、万般牵挂，一切都没关系。在我的期许里，有一个幸福的永远，是和你在一起。
Translation by ChatGPT (and edited)
Why do I start recording? Because I've found that everything in the past disappears too quickly, and human memory is so fragile that even the most important scenes and conversations eventually become blurry. But are these records, videos, audio, or texts, like the events and characters themselves, really meaningful?
You can believe in many things - about life, death, gods, origins, and destinations. At this moment, it's hard for me to believe in anything. Life is as cold as this season. Life is extremely cold. If there is a dangerous situation that I can't handle, just remember to hold the steering wheel tightly. Hold the steering wheel tightly until the building collapses, and everything turns to ashes. Just like me right now, convincing myself to work hard, take care of myself, maintain hygiene, and make good friends, even though I know that a snowstorm is sweeping through, leaving desolation and only a vast expanse of sorrow. "Seize the time, grasp the direction," look straight ahead. Then forget, forget everything, and forget myself.
Yes. The person I love and cherish the most in this world has decided not to wait any longer. She decided to go to a more beautiful place. There, whether she remembers everything about this world or not, she is beautiful and happy, just like she was in this world. Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I know that I am complex and imperfect. But the most beautiful, kind, and brave part of me is the part that she lived in and breathes through me.
I forgot, you are not an ordinary old person at all. Looking at you from a distance, I realize that you are a legendary and great person. But no one told me - especially my years of indifference to your life. It's only during this time of saying goodbye to you that I deeply review and hear again everything about you, especially the stories from before I knew you. I also realize that what I am most proud of in my life is that, in my mediocrity, I can be your granddaughter. You are the greatest blessing in my life. How I wish you could tell me all those stories again - why didn't you tell me?
My grandmother was a very kind person. The revolutionary changes caused her to lose all her family property. Betrayed by relatives during her mother's unjust imprisonment, they illegally seized everything in the house, turning their family from wealthy to destitute. She also lost her parents in an unjust and unkind manner. Throughout her life, she experienced the hardships and horrors of human nature. But she remained kind and did not harbor hatred towards society.
She wrote articles for everyone she admired. She sincerely hoped that these people would be remembered by others, and the world would understand the beauty and greatness of these people that she knew. For example, after her cousin and a friend who had suffered for many years in prison passed away, she wrote commemorative articles for them. However, people just go about their lives hastily, and few pay attention.
During the most difficult times, when people were dying everywhere in China during the cultural revolution, she saved a child's life. The child was called "Xiao Qiaozi." Later in life, that child often came from the countryside to Jinan to visit her. She was determined to save the child and traveled with him from the countryside to a big city hospital. This is just one of the things she did, and her whole life was about helping others without expecting anything in return.
As a teacher, she was highly regarded by her students. She left a profound impact on the lives of countless people.
During the Cultural Revolution, when other teachers were being criticized, the easiest targets were "academic authorities" and those with "bad backgrounds." Unfortunately, my grandmother fell into both categories. Just as some students were about to criticize her, other Red Guards stepped in to "trip up" and suppress those students. In that era, Red Guards standing up for teachers was extremely rare and unheard of.
My grandmother also had some outstanding students, including a leader working in the aerospace department. During their visit to Beijing after I went abroad, this leader crossed the entire city just to meet my grandmother. There were also other grateful students like Zhang Zhongxiao, who remained with her throughout her life, accompanying her.
My grandmother was a very talented person.
She studied in a private school and later at a church school, where she wrote beautifully in traditional Chinese characters.
She was a university student in an era when many Chinese couldn't afford to eat. She studied Russian at Shandong University. Her teacher was a Russian who married a Chinese woman and lived his entire life in China. Her teacher wrote a book, and I hope to find it later. Due to family reasons, she could only work as a high school teacher. After retiring, she also worked as a translator in Russia. She told me many stories about her time in Russia, but I don't remember many of them - if only I had recorded them.
My grandmother was half a scholar of the Dream of the Red Chamber.
My grandmother had excellent writing skills, and many of her articles were published. Even now, I can see young people on Weibo reposting articles written by my grandmother.
My grandmother was a very beautiful and elegant woman, even in her old age.
During her high school years, she was a member of the drama club. In the last few years before her death, she often sang "Midnight Song" to me, a song she had performed in a play. I believe she must have had a very exciting youth.
When Mr. Sun Sibai came to Shandong to promote Deng Xiaoping's new ideology, he specifically came to see my grandmother (I don't remember how they met). Mr. Sun Sibai pursued my grandmother multiple times in his life and even said that when he saw my grandmother, he felt extremely nervous. To be regarded as a goddess by such a knowledgeable and broad-minded person speaks to my grandmother's charm.
But these are not the memories I have of you. In my memories, you are the ordinary elderly person who watched boring TV shows with me, indulged and spoiled me endlessly. When I was sick, you would do silly things to make me laugh. You would sacrifice everything for me without hesitation, unconditionally tolerating all my whims and flaws. I'll leave these stories of guilt and disappointment in myself for another time.
Grandma, I miss you, I love you. Just like before, I will strive to be a good person for the rest of my life, accumulating all the kindness to bless you. I also secretly hope for the day we meet again. But even if that day never comes, as long as I know you are well, it's enough.
After I finish this lifetime and become an old lady, will you come to pick me up? Just like when you took a bus, carried a bag, and climbed up to the third floor to see me, crossing the entire city just for a glimpse. Thinking about this, I am not afraid of death, and I even look forward to that day. Whether it's meeting in the cycle of reincarnation, giving me the chance to repay your kindness, or reuniting at the end of life, or even dissipating into the same place on the horizon, where there is no physical distance across the ocean or time separating life and death, only us clinging together tightly.
Whatever you are thinking, whether you have reached a wisdom beyond my imagination, or you are just resting somewhere, I just want to say, rest well, Grandma. The suffering of the world and all the worries don't matter. In my expectation, there is an eternal happiness with you.
