沼泽地
该如何走出这沼泽地，我一直问自己。
一年半以前左右，我一直在抱怨你周末回来跟我住着，我房贷压力大。回想起来你找了房子，我们搬了家。却因为我不能接受那个房子而搬了回来。这个过程中你没有怪我的改变给你造成的时间和经济损失，只是一直在努力解决一切。我其实很亏欠。我也会想，如果我就咬牙呆在那边，接受了那些不满意，是不是我们现在也能过的很好了。可是那个通风系统确实呆在那里很难受、很难受啊。
后来考虑着买房子，你借钱要钱，又去换了股票来涨工资，还瞒着我。可以说你也是想尽了一切办法。最后却发现贷款有些限制怎么也不够。我不理解你为什么提前没有研究清楚。我们回到原点，一年的时间浪费在研究买房子上，又这么将就了很久。
一年以后，又再次找了租的房子。这个过程我对你也多有逼迫。我甚至给你最后通牒。因为现如今你多数时候呆在这边，我的房子也不合适长期住两个人，我不知道这种情况该怎么办。但是我对租的地方有很多顾虑。加上前一天我们还在为了能不能找清洁工的事情争吵。我有些退缩了。几天以后我同意去租的时候对方已经因为拖太久不愿意租给我们了。这次你真的很生气。也把一直以来住hostel等完全怪罪到了我身上。
去年夏天，因为去短途Whistler租车你抱怨贵，我无法接受连这么短途你都觉得难以负担。在争吵中你买了车。可是为了这件事你其实很不满意，因为你觉得不值得，时间线太短，等等。这个过程中你说了很多很难听的话，不过也都是你的真心话吧。也许我该多体谅一下你，不过我一直等着你考出驾照，能和其他人一样开车带着我出去。你的有些话永远像刀子留在了我心里。
前两天，好久好久没见你了。从十二月我姐姐来你搬走，就没怎么见过你。原本放完假了很期待着能见到你，但你说雪太大了回不来，机票也太贵了不值得来回跑。就这样差不多两个月没见过你。这个过程中我几乎把你放下了。不过还是感谢你回来了，你给我过了个生日。不然我这个生日也要一个人自己过了。没几天，却因为我觉得车太脏需要洗，你觉得不需要，而再一次引发了谁都不愿意退让的争吵。你觉得你一早起来去弄仓库很委屈。还觉得我替欺负你的疯子说话。可是我的担忧和压力呢？
当我提前回来，看到家里的包。我很无措，却也觉得在情理之中。你永远不会听我的，永远在骗我。就像叫你买医疗保险单纯是为你好的事情，这样也要骗我。只要不是事实血淋淋在眼前，都对我没尊重，要骗我。仅仅因为我脾气不好，不能商量事情，而一些小事你非要按照你的做法来也就算了。甚至于到了无法无天的地步。
我知道你也不在乎了。
回忆完这些我都很震惊我们是怎么坚持到现在的。也许就是我的摇摆不定和你的死不放手吧。
翻着手机相册里你煮的饭，你曾经做的很好，我也曾经过的很好。可是一切都回不去了。既往太痛苦，未来没有路。为什么这么努力，却无法构造一个人人都能拥有的家？ 每次刷朋友圈看到别人的结婚照家庭照，我很迷茫，我不知道我这辈子是否还能拥有一个自己的家了。
以前做过一个很美的梦，觉得自己不会过得比任何人差。原来还是想多了呀。自己这么不好，身体不好，脾气不好，懒，性格不好也不漂亮，还颠沛流离换了那么多地方。虽然如此也不想给任何人伤害自己的机会了，一个人过就一个人过吧。虽然也会孤单难过，至少在人间也是暂时的，熬一熬就过去了，也还有星星月亮为伴。
我希望成为更好的人类，能带给他人幸福和安慰。可是我给不了你。我回想一下，我为你做了那么多事，忍了那么多事，受了那么多委屈，可是我对你并不好，你也过得不好。你每天穿着脏衣服在街上居无定所。我每天绝望的一个人坐在家中。也许没有我你反倒过的好些吧。我们见到了彼此人性里的善和恶，见识的太深，让一切美好都湮灭了。
我也会胆怯，会不会不再有人愿意为了我颠簸着转公交、地铁、飞机去买菜，再马不停蹄来做菜，都没有休息。即使在我没有一个好的态度的前提下。也许很难有人理解是什么支撑了你做了这些事。如果对以前的我说有人愿意为了我做这些，我一定感到很感动和幸福吧。毕竟一直以来，我都盼望着有一个人能觉得我好，能坚定的选择我。
没想到真实却是如此、如此不堪回首啊。终于要再见了吗，我不知道。我好想无声的嘶吼一句，我过得不好，我要改变。人生若只如初见。那首歌还在放，可是我一点力气都没有了。只有深深的绝望伴随这滴眼泪永远留在过去了。
December 2023, ❄️ 人生极寒
我为什么要开始记录呢？因为我发现，过往的一切消失的太快，而人的记忆是如此脆弱，以至于即使最重要的场景和对话，也最终慢慢模糊不清了。可是这一切的记录、视频音频或文字，就像这些事件和人物本身一样，是否真的有意义呢？
你可以相信许多事 - 关于生老病死，神佛，来处和去处。此刻对我来说，很难相信任何东西。人生就像这个季节一样，是冰冷透顶的。人生极寒，life is an extremely cold place. 如果有了什么危险的情况不会应付，只要记得紧紧抓住方向盘。紧紧抓住方向盘，直到大厦崩塌，灰飞烟灭。就像此刻的我，说服自己努力工作、照顾好自己、做好卫生交友，即使我心里知道暴风雪席卷，漫山荒芜，仅余白茫茫的悲戚。“把握时间，掌握方向”，直直看着前路吧。然后忘了，忘却了一切，也忘记了自己。
是的。我在这个世界上最喜欢、最爱的人，决定不再经年等待了。她决定去一个更美丽的地方。在那里，不管她是否记得关于这个世界的一切，她美好、幸福，正如她曾在这个世界上一样。每当我在镜子里看着自己，我知道我是复杂不完美的。可是我那最为美丽、善良、勇敢的一面，正是她活在我身体里通过我呼吸着的部分。
我忘了，你一点也不是一个普通的老人啊。站在远一点的地方看你，才发现你是一个传奇的人，伟大的人。可是没有人告诉我 - 更是我经年对你人生的不关心。正是跟你道别的这段时间，我才更加深切的回顾和再次听说关于你的一切，尤其是在我认识你之前的那些故事。我也才意识到，我此生最为骄傲的，就是以我的平庸，能成为你的外孙女，你才是我在这世间最大的福气。这些故事多么希望听你对我讲一遍 - 你为什么都不曾对我讲过？
我的姥姥是个很善良的人。革命的变动让她失去了全部家产。被亲戚恩将仇报，在母亲冤狱期间非法侵吞了家里的一切，从巨富变成了一穷二白，也以不平和的方式失去了自己的父母。在一生期间更是尝遍了人间疾苦、人性可怖。但是她仍然如此善良，并不仇恨这个社会。
她为每一位她心生敬佩的人写文章。她真诚希望这些人能被别人记住，世人也能了解到她所了解到的，关于这些人的美好和伟大。比如说，在她的表姐、和坐过多年冤狱的朋友去世后，她为他们写纪念文章。可是世人只是匆匆在过自己的生活，又能有几个在意。
她在最困难的时候，在中国四处死人，大家纷纷路过却熟视无睹的时候，救了一个孩子的命。那个孩子叫“小巧子”。之后的一生中经常从农村背着东西来济南看她。她当初决心要救，便一路带着那个孩子从农村到了大城市的医院。这只是其中一件事，她的一生都是如此不计回报地帮助别人。
在她的挚友去世以后（也是文化斗争的结果），她善待照顾她挚友的儿子，要求其认自己是妈妈。那位舅舅在姥姥的告别仪式上进去之后便唐突跪下叩首（家人都还没有任何动作），更是在告别之后发文纪念。如此便能看出姥姥对他人生的影响。
作为一位教师，她在学生心中民望高企。给无数人的人生留下了深远的影响。
曾经在文化大革命期间，其他教师都纷纷被批斗。最容易被批斗的两种，便是“学术权威”和“不好的出身”。我的姥姥不巧两样都占了。刚有学生要为她戴高帽的时候，其他红卫兵学生便出面“绊倒”压制了这位学生。这种红卫兵为老师出头的事情在那个时代是极少数、闻所未闻的。
我的姥姥更有一些十分优秀的学生。甚至有在航天部工作的领导。在我出国后他们到北京的期间，这位领导跨过了整座北京城只为了见我姥姥一面。更有其他如张忠孝等对她感恩的学生一生不离，常年相伴在她的左右。
我的姥姥是个很有才华的人。
她是私塾读书、后又在教会学校的，写一笔漂亮的繁体字。
是中国人吃不起饭的年代的大学生，山东大学俄语系的学生。她的老师是一位俄罗斯人，娶了中国老婆，一生都生活在中国。她的老师出了一本书，希望后续我能找到。因为家庭原因，她只能从事高中教职。她退休后也在俄罗斯当翻译。关于她在俄罗斯期间的事情，她给我讲过许多故事，但我很多都不记得了 - 如果当初知道记录就好了。
我的姥姥算半个红学家，对红楼梦里的事情了如指掌。
我的姥姥文笔极好，写过的许多文章得以发表。如今我还能看到微博上有年轻人转载我姥姥的文章。
我的姥姥是个很漂亮、很美的人。即使她成了个老太太。
在她中学期间，就是话剧社的成员 - 她临终前的几年经常给我唱“夜半歌声”这首歌，是她曾经出演过的话剧。我相信她一定拥有过非常精彩的青春吧。
在孙思白先生为邓小平新思想做宣传来到山东的时候，特意来见我姥姥（他们之前是怎么认识的我记不起来了）。孙思白先生一生多次追求我姥姥，也说过，见到我的姥姥他整个人就非常紧张。能被如此博学见广的人视作女神，我姥姥的魅力可以见得。
但这些都不是我记忆里的你。在我的记忆里，你是那个陪我看无聊电视剧，对我无限溺爱骄纵的普通老人。在我生病的时候，你会做一些傻傻的事情逗我，也会为了我不顾一切，不计较的付出你所拥有的全部，没有底线的包容我所有的任性和不好。这些故事让我愧疚和对自己失望，就留到下次再写吧。
姥姥，我思念你、爱你。就跟以前一样，我会用我的一生努力做个好人，积攒所有的善意来祝福你。我也会偷偷盼望着与你的再次相遇。但是即使没有那一天，只要知道你一切都好就足矣。
等我过完这一辈子，也变成了一个老太太，你会来接我吗？就像小时候你坐着公交车、提着传销袋子、爬爬歇歇到三楼，千里奔赴只为见我一面。想到这里，我就不怕死了，甚至有些盼望那一天的到来。不管是在轮回里相遇，给我机会报答你的恩情；还是在生命的尽头重聚；又或者是烟消云散在天边的同一处，那里都不再有跨越重洋的物理距离、也没有生死相隔的时间距离，只有我们紧紧依偎在一起。
不管你在想些什么，是否到达了我所不能想象的智慧，还只是安息在某处等待着。我只想跟你说，好好休息吧姥姥。人间疾苦、万般牵挂，一切都没关系。在我的期许里，有一个幸福的永远，是和你在一起。
Translation by ChatGPT (and edited)
Why do I start recording? Because I've found that everything in the past disappears too quickly, and human memory is so fragile that even the most important scenes and conversations eventually become blurry. But are these records, videos, audio, or texts, like the events and characters themselves, really meaningful?
You can believe in many things - about life, death, gods, origins, and destinations. At this moment, it's hard for me to believe in anything. Life is as cold as this season. Life is extremely cold. If there is a dangerous situation that I can't handle, just remember to hold the steering wheel tightly. Hold the steering wheel tightly until the building collapses, and everything turns to ashes. Just like me right now, convincing myself to work hard, take care of myself, maintain hygiene, and make good friends, even though I know that a snowstorm is sweeping through, leaving desolation and only a vast expanse of sorrow. "Seize the time, grasp the direction," look straight ahead. Then forget, forget everything, and forget myself.
Yes. The person I love and cherish the most in this world has decided not to wait any longer. She decided to go to a more beautiful place. There, whether she remembers everything about this world or not, she is beautiful and happy, just like she was in this world. Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I know that I am complex and imperfect. But the most beautiful, kind, and brave part of me is the part that she lived in and breathes through me.
I forgot, you are not an ordinary old person at all. Looking at you from a distance, I realize that you are a legendary and great person. But no one told me - especially my years of indifference to your life. It's only during this time of saying goodbye to you that I deeply review and hear again everything about you, especially the stories from before I knew you. I also realize that what I am most proud of in my life is that, in my mediocrity, I can be your granddaughter. You are the greatest blessing in my life. How I wish you could tell me all those stories again - why didn't you tell me?
My grandmother was a very kind person. The revolutionary changes caused her to lose all her family property. Betrayed by relatives during her mother's unjust imprisonment, they illegally seized everything in the house, turning their family from wealthy to destitute. She also lost her parents in an unjust and unkind manner. Throughout her life, she experienced the hardships and horrors of human nature. But she remained kind and did not harbor hatred towards society.
She wrote articles for everyone she admired. She sincerely hoped that these people would be remembered by others, and the world would understand the beauty and greatness of these people that she knew. For example, after her cousin and a friend who had suffered for many years in prison passed away, she wrote commemorative articles for them. However, people just go about their lives hastily, and few pay attention.
During the most difficult times, when people were dying everywhere in China during the cultural revolution, she saved a child's life. The child was called "Xiao Qiaozi." Later in life, that child often came from the countryside to Jinan to visit her. She was determined to save the child and traveled with him from the countryside to a big city hospital. This is just one of the things she did, and her whole life was about helping others without expecting anything in return.
As a teacher, she was highly regarded by her students. She left a profound impact on the lives of countless people.
During the Cultural Revolution, when other teachers were being criticized, the easiest targets were "academic authorities" and those with "bad backgrounds." Unfortunately, my grandmother fell into both categories. Just as some students were about to criticize her, other Red Guards stepped in to "trip up" and suppress those students. In that era, Red Guards standing up for teachers was extremely rare and unheard of.
My grandmother also had some outstanding students, including a leader working in the aerospace department. During their visit to Beijing after I went abroad, this leader crossed the entire city just to meet my grandmother. There were also other grateful students like Zhang Zhongxiao, who remained with her throughout her life, accompanying her.
My grandmother was a very talented person.
She studied in a private school and later at a church school, where she wrote beautifully in traditional Chinese characters.
She was a university student in an era when many Chinese couldn't afford to eat. She studied Russian at Shandong University. Her teacher was a Russian who married a Chinese woman and lived his entire life in China. Her teacher wrote a book, and I hope to find it later. Due to family reasons, she could only work as a high school teacher. After retiring, she also worked as a translator in Russia. She told me many stories about her time in Russia, but I don't remember many of them - if only I had recorded them.
My grandmother was half a scholar of the Dream of the Red Chamber.
My grandmother had excellent writing skills, and many of her articles were published. Even now, I can see young people on Weibo reposting articles written by my grandmother.
My grandmother was a very beautiful and elegant woman, even in her old age.
During her high school years, she was a member of the drama club. In the last few years before her death, she often sang "Midnight Song" to me, a song she had performed in a play. I believe she must have had a very exciting youth.
When Mr. Sun Sibai came to Shandong to promote Deng Xiaoping's new ideology, he specifically came to see my grandmother (I don't remember how they met). Mr. Sun Sibai pursued my grandmother multiple times in his life and even said that when he saw my grandmother, he felt extremely nervous. To be regarded as a goddess by such a knowledgeable and broad-minded person speaks to my grandmother's charm.
But these are not the memories I have of you. In my memories, you are the ordinary elderly person who watched boring TV shows with me, indulged and spoiled me endlessly. When I was sick, you would do silly things to make me laugh. You would sacrifice everything for me without hesitation, unconditionally tolerating all my whims and flaws. I'll leave these stories of guilt and disappointment in myself for another time.
Grandma, I miss you, I love you. Just like before, I will strive to be a good person for the rest of my life, accumulating all the kindness to bless you. I also secretly hope for the day we meet again. But even if that day never comes, as long as I know you are well, it's enough.
After I finish this lifetime and become an old lady, will you come to pick me up? Just like when you took a bus, carried a bag, and climbed up to the third floor to see me, crossing the entire city just for a glimpse. Thinking about this, I am not afraid of death, and I even look forward to that day. Whether it's meeting in the cycle of reincarnation, giving me the chance to repay your kindness, or reuniting at the end of life, or even dissipating into the same place on the horizon, where there is no physical distance across the ocean or time separating life and death, only us clinging together tightly.
Whatever you are thinking, whether you have reached a wisdom beyond my imagination, or you are just resting somewhere, I just want to say, rest well, Grandma. The suffering of the world and all the worries don't matter. In my expectation, there is an eternal happiness with you.
September 2023, 🍂 秋意浓
Season
时间过得好快，转眼来到了第三个季节。秋天常常代表丰收，真正的丰收往往是先前耕耘已久加之天时地利的偶然结果。而丰收的欣喜接踵而至伴随的就是失去。失去天地间最珍贵的一切，失去刚刚得到的所有。
姥姥
八月去西雅图出差了。而当时妈妈告诉我姥姥不好，我的心更是纠结的不行。出差回来的当天便赶回去国内，飞机上看了《银河铁道之父》，以至于看的从头哭到尾。我心中一直在想，不管是家人、爱人、朋友，或者任何人，如果这份缘分最终带给你的只有无尽的伤痛，是否还值得呢？可是看到那位父亲在电影的最后，深深感谢自己的孩子，我似乎领悟了。人生能痛也是值得的，至少爱过，在乎过，奋不顾身过。
九月份回国了，我的姥姥躺在病床上。当时是在一个很偏远的地方住院。她已经是一点东西都吃不下了。有一位陪床的护工王阿姨，人挺能念叨，但感觉是个好人。姥姥的血管很微弱，营养针又不得不打，以至于胳膊上青一块紫一块。尿袋里全是血。但姥姥的精神头还很好，跟我讲她在青岛上大学的时候，跟同学们看到了一只比柜子还大的大海龟。说起来滔滔不绝，有时候还唱几句。姥爷跟我说，“到了要结束的时候了”，听的我泪流满面。我一直说，你错了，不是，她能好病。我觉得我知道，我有这样的感觉。
最后一天从医院回家的滴滴上我哭了一路。想这个城市的风景毫无变化，最爱的人怎么能衰老的如此之快。我讨厌面对别离，尤其是这样的时候。每一次见面，都要紧紧抓住所爱之人的手，不留遗憾。
因为姥姥的情况，我决定今年十二月再次回去一次。在这一辈子中，每一件事情她都为了我倾其所有，奋不顾身。但是回想起来，我出国经年，带给她的只有别离。妈妈这次也做了大手术。
除了珍惜眼前人，告诉他们自己的爱之外，如何能够抵御衰老死亡呢？我第一个念头就是生孩子。前所未有希望拥有一个孩子。也希望不管是我、还是我的孩子，带给姥姥、妈妈的都是安慰、幸福，而不是担忧，争吵。
Love
I have been having frequent conflicts with D. For the first time in the last three years, he brought up the idea of a break-up. I've come to realize that I have been unkind to him, and we've both shed many tears. During my flight to SF, it struck me that if this is indeed the end, then I owe him a deep apology. Conversely, if it had ended last year around the same time, he would have owed me an apology. I've had several painful realizations:
i) I would rather have others disappoint me and later regret it than be the cause of others' disappointment and regret. Avoid actions that you'll regret.
ii) Even with those who are closest and dearest to me, I need to maintain some distance and continue to respect them.
iii) Ultimately, what matters most is becoming a better person for anyone you interact with.
The future of my relationship with D remains uncertain. I neither feel optimistic nor pessimistic about it. I've always believed that one of us has to be truly confident in the other for this relationship to endure and thrive. He has been that person in the past, but I'm uncertain whether either of us will continue to be that person in the future, and this relationship may sooner or later come to an end. Nevertheless, I remain hopeful because I value our relationship. I will do my best to nurture it for the benefit of both parties. If this doesn't work out, I have a strong sense that starting a family in the coming years may be challenging. I simply request not to carry any regrets with me on this journey, wherever my next destination may be.
Health
My health has improved since returning from China, possibly due to the Chinese herbs I've been taking. I've finally shed some weight, but my sleep quality remains poor. I hope to continue working out and dancing (yes, I've taken up ballet again after a hiatus following a knee injury in the summer). Many little things have recently brought me joy, as a result of health improvement.
Growth
I'm still on track to complete the journeys I embarked on years ago. I must continue to push forward, work hard and avoid any regrets, which demands high standards of myself.
Feelings
After all of this, taking care of oneself has never seemed so crucial. To stay in good health and spare our loved ones from concern, allowing us to be our best selves for them and to look after their well-being.
I've come to realize that I need a strong sense of self, and strong relationships to navigate the increasing burdens and responsibilities that life brings.
Now, I intend to enjoy the last one to two years of my 20s while embracing true adulthood.
As life instructs us to embrace rather than oppose, conformity may be the path to follow, and consistently and unwaveringly praying can be the method to steer through.
June 2023, 🎡 peaceful summer
june23
我又在回家的时候开始听罗百吉的摩天轮，乱感觉，一下好像回到了初中的时光。也许别人觉得这样的音乐有些土，但是这些音乐给我很大的安慰。
Some thoughts
I feel somewhat ashamed of my current health situation. I have gained around 20 pounds in 2021, and my weight has remained relatively stable since then. Over the past year, my IBS syndrome has become more difficult to manage. Additionally, I have developed a few persistent cysts on my face that haven't responded to home remedies after a year.
That being said, I am actively working on improving my personal health. My goal is to attain mental strength, inner peace, and take better care of myself physically. This can be achieved by: 1) increasing my water intake throughout the day; 2) reducing the frequency of DoorDash deliveries; 3) engaging in regular exercise, particularly outdoor activities during the summer.
I have been putting off arranging my trip back to China, mostly due to the exorbitant ticket prices. However, last night I had a dream about my Grandma, and it made me realize that she is calling me home. In my dream, she appeared youthful and healthy. Nowadays, she tends to forget things and lose track of time and space. She is also confined to a wheelchair. Consequently, I am now prioritizing the organization of my trip to China in September, especially considering that the ticket prices have dropped.
Starting to work with React on the front-end has been a somewhat challenging experience at my job. Engineering work has always been demanding and arduous. Nevertheless, I am grateful to have a supportive team. This year, I hope to dedicate more time to delivering front-end projects.
Happy Memories:
Attending Italian Day and Greek Day. I thoroughly enjoyed both events, especially the vibrant atmosphere with numerous people.
Visiting a family friend's house to play Sanguosha, hosting them and cooking food for them, as well as visiting a friend's new house and sharing a hotpot meal together.
Playing various other games both during and after work.
Riding the Ferris wheel at an amusement park on 6/1.
Despite the many frustrations and challenges I face, I am grateful for this blessed life and everything that God has bestowed upon me. I genuinely hope to spend more time outdoors this summer, as circumstances allow.